Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Adoption Worker Section
We would like to know what advice adoption workers can give us that will make the process easier. A worker recently suggested to me that I write a letter expaining a couple of things that aren't clear on my home study, and send that letter every time I send out the study. She also suggested that I write to the workers and tell them what I, my family, and my community have to offer the child about whom I am inquiring. This is great advice! I also submitted to a psychological evaluation because a worker in the past suggested that I get one in the wake of a disruption. This is especially valuable if you are not married. So, come on, workers! What advice can you offer us that might help to prevent many of the problems that so many of us have encountered in our quest to adopt children?
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13 comments:
I have a question for an adoption or foster care worker. What message does it send to a child to allow foster parents or house parents a respite? The message I would hear if I was a child in that situation is, "You are so difficult to raise that I need a break from you!"
Real parents don't get a break. Not unless someone in the extended family wants to take the kids for 3 or 4 days.
Then we have people who REALLY WANT the kids, break or no break, who get tied up in the system while they - and the kids - wait.
While I am not a foster care or adoption worker I did do Therapeutic Foster Care for many years and would like to address this issue with you.
You are correct that if not dealt with in the right way that kids sometimes get that message of being difficult, however, having had much experience with children who indeed have severe behavioral issues or mental health issues I can tell you that more often than not, if used in a constructive manner, respite can provide a much needed break for not just the parents but the child also.
When you deal with extremely time consuming and behaviorally challenged children, whether adopted or bio, it can and does wear a person out and can negatively effect parenting skills. Respite can offer just a little break so that the parents can in fact get a second wind and a fresh perspective on things.
Having been in the MH/MR field for most of my adult life I have worked with many families who have utilized respite for their biological children and it has assisted everyone involved. It is more productive and healthy to say "I need a break" than it is to live day after day with the turmoil and frustration some children can bring into the family. It is much more mature to ask and receive help from outside sources if that help is genuinely needed. "Real parents" who have "real" children with severe emotional issues do need and deserve breaks whether from family members or outside agencies.
I have a child in my home currently that is very disruptive and just cannot seem to handle seeing anyone else being happy or having fun. In public these behaviors manifest to the point that we in the past had to leave several functions due to those behaviors. Respite in this situation is a benefit to the other children in my home as they finally get some much needed and deserved attention and entertainment that simply cannot be obtained if including the child with the behavior issues. The other children should not have to suffer and do without because this child refuses to behave appropriately and demand ALL of the attention. And while my son is young, only 5 1/2, by using respite he is coming around and learning that these behaviors are simply unacceptable and that if in fact he wants to participate in the activities he has no choice but to behave appropriately.
I do agree that respites should not be misused or simply to be rid of the child (ren) unless out of necessity. I had worked for one agency that every time a child acted up in a foster home they arranged for a respite for the child and the only purpose that truly served was to allow the child to learn that if he/she acted up enough and didnt want to face the consequences respite was a way "out".
I think another message it may send is productive, also. Many of the children with severe issues also often feel that there is nothing wrong with their behaviors and they dont need "help" from anyone outside of the home, such as therapists, etc. By using services such as respite you are letting a child know that they are not alone in their need to seek services. You are letting them know that no one is perfect and that many people do in fact need help to deal with daily situations.
Respite allows the parents as well as the child to take a step back, take a deep breath, get ready for the next round and start fresh again. It is more emotionally sound to do this than to live a miserable existance or allow a child to wear one down to the point that all patience is lost. Maybe how one should think of respite isnt "you are so difficult to raise that I need a break from you" but something like "we need to take a break and stop and think about what is going on here so we can deal with the situation in a more postive manner."
Anyone who read the blog posted a couple of months ago on the old site from the woman who was crying for help stating that adoption was the worst thing she had ever done and a "broom" was her weapon of choice to defend herself against the children in her home should be able to identify the need at times for outside services. Anyone who has dealt with a child with attachment issues, severe Autism, etc already knows the importance for the well being of the whole family a break is ocassionally needed.
I dont see respite as a matter of "wanting" or not wanting the kids as much as doing what is right for them as well as doing what is right for the parent in order to maintain sanity and peace in their lives.
To anonymous--I ask my children if they want to go visit their friends for the weekend and sometimes tell them that they get a break from me! Since they are friends with the respite provider and their children ( I wouldn't leave them otherwise) it is no different from a regular sleepover at a friend's house. They never see respite payment change hands and do not know their care is reimbursed. It really is not very different from allowing them to spend time with grandparents or cousins who provide 'respite' for birth parents by allowing them to come and visit. It is a fun time for them. If not, they don't go there again. Our children have always enjoyed respite.
We have been a therapeutic family since 1998. We are also an adoptive family who have adopted two children and are in the process of adopting a third. I am currently working as a special needs adoption program coordinator with 22 years experience in the field.
It is all in the way you handle things, our agency has always allowed us to find and train our own respite providers so they really are friends who want to help children but cannot commit to taking a child full time to care for them for whatever the reason. They have to have records checks and home evaluation before they can provide respite as well so that the agency knows that they are not letting unsuitable people care for our children.
This is Maesie, but I can't log in for some reason...
I've begun to leave a comment on this section 3 different times (on top of having started one on this same topic on the old AUSK blog before), but every time I do it gets deleted before I've finished it (I've got a lot to say!)
Worker tips for finding your child:
I loved what someone said about putting a cover letter on to your homestudy- I would love to see more families do that. If I knew the plans that they had in place for the child they are seeking to be matched with, I would be much more likely to take the homestudy seriously.
Now, these are things that *I* like to see - not necessarily other workers, but I guess I consider myself one of the workers who's trying to change the system for the better.. the ones who aren't might not be as open to these techniques.
Use at your own risk!
1. cover letter to workers regarding the child (as mentioned above - not my idea, but I love it!)
2. ask if the worker is able to talk to you directly, if not, ask questions through your worker - the more interested you are in how YOU could potentially help the child if they became a part of your family, the more we know you are serious. The disclaimer on this is do NOT go overboard with questions before you are matched with a child, keep it simple, questions such as: what age does the child function at, how do they feel about living in a city/rural/suburban setting, how would they feel about a family with our makeup (transracial, same-sex couple, single, older parent, etc)
do NOT go overboard with questions before you are matched with a child. If a family has just made an inquiry, not yet been chosen, and is already making plans on what color to paint the bedroom or what the kids new name is going to be, that's a little bit overboard and could throw a worker off. We go on our gut instinct a lot of the time, and if the red flags start waving, you will probably lose that placement.
3. LISTEN TO YOUR WORKER (hopefully you have a good one!), especially if you aren't able to directly speak to the child's worker. They're going to be getting the information on the child that you don't have access to yet due to confidentiality. If you trust your worker (you should) and they are unsure of your ability to meet the childs needs, slow down. They know things that you may not and are acting accordingly.
4. Build relationships with workers at other agencies. If you're inquiring on a child but don't end up matched with them, let the worker you were in contact with know the kind of child you're interested in. I've had families I've built relationships with and get to know very well, and even though they aren't my clients (I don't work with families, only kids), I can still advocate for them as a match for a child on my caseload. When I add a new child who they might be a good match for, I can contact their worker directly instead of waiting for them to make an inquiry.
if you've been waiting a while and still don't have a match, talk to your worker. Find out why they think you don't yet have a match. Is there something in your homestudy that is putting up red or yellow flags? Do you have realistic expectations of the kind of children that are available from foster care?
What are the most important things to you about being a parent? examine them and decide if you can adopt a slightly older child than you had originally planned to. Also, talk to some families who are parenting children with special needs. Talk to them about what they experience. Most families I know that are parenting special needs kids (whether birth or adopted) are so glad that these children have come into their lives. Yes, they have challenges and things aren't always easy, but kids with special needs can bring a special joy to your life.
If you haven't had parenting experience perhaps you need to think about foster parenting (or providing weekend respite), volunteering, or becoming a mentor. This will show workers that you have worked with kids and can understand their issues.
If you're gay or lesbian and believe it's creating a barrier to you finding a match, identify and contact a friendly agency (or worker). Contact the Human Rights Campaign or find gay/lesbian parenting groups. Ask them for advice! (or contact me)
And, if you're seeking to adopt older (school aged, especially 10 and older), special needs kids, contact the Wendy's Wonderful Kids recruiter in your area and ask them to keep your homestudy on file. In fact, contact EVERY WWK recruiter and ask them to keep your homestudy on file!
Maesie,
I'm sorry about the problem. I don't know what happened. This is the first time that I've seen a blog for you. Anyway, it's posted now. Thanks so much for contributing.
Maesis:
Thanks for your advice. It has been helpful.
I'm still waiting to be matched w/a sibling grp. While I initially wanted a sibling grp of two (0-5yrs), I've changed my mind. I did this b/c the process of getting children out of the child welfare system is so horrendous that, if I'm ever placed w/a sib grp, I don't want to ever go through this nightmare again. I did let my worker know about my change of preference.
I also don't believe that my home study is being considered, especially for a large sib grp, b/c my home is small. From a practical standpoint, it doesn't make sense to me to put the home I have on the market & to purchase a larger home in anticipation of getting a large sib grp b/c the adoption process can be derailed at any time & for any reason. Also, the length of time it takes for the adoption to finalize can be anywhere from 6, 9, or even 12 months, which doesn't make sense either, especially when children have been sitting in the system for years. Why not make the wait 24 hours, especially if a teen is being adopted? Why act like, if we're not completely satisfied, we can return the child(ren) in thirty days for a full refund?
I also read a blog on the old website where a family bought a large house & now they're getting rid of it b/c, after waiting for years for a large sib grp to be placed w/them & not getting any placements, they are unwilling to continue paying the mortgage on the large home.
Since I began this process, I have been assured that there is no discrimination based on race, age, marital status, etc. This is a lie. I believe that too many SW's are looking for perfect families & that they have their own personal definitions of what a perfect family looks like. Finally, we are asked to be honest & to fill out what we can & cannot handle in a child. Yet, it doesn't seem that anyone is reading this mountain of paperwork. While I understand that the children coming out of the system aren't perfect, (& I don't expect them to be) I'm an expert on what I can & cannot handle.
I've been willing to open my heart & my home to help children in need of a family, but I'm beginning to believe that I'm wasting a lot of my time & effort checking websites & inquiring about children b/c, apparently, even though I've spent my life being an honest, decent person, the child welfare system views everything about me as all wrong in terms of caring for children. I've been involved w/this process for 2.5 yrs & I cannot say that I would recommend it to my worst enemy. Char
Hi Maesie, Char and Gary
LOL I thought it was me an my inepetitude with computers that was causing me to write a couple of blogs over again because I have had a couple that were deleted, they just kind of went "poof" before I could post them. The othe thing I noticed is that when I sign in often it makes me go back and do my username and password several times before it takes. I am not complaining, just kind of humorously relieved that it isnt me!!! LOL
Maesie, I totally agree with most of what you have said and hope that others will start using this site and be able to take your valuable advice. This site could rate right up there with the AUSK site if others would just find it and start blogging. Maybe you know of a few people who would be interested and you could forward the info?
I especially agree with keeping any conversation or inquiry sort of low key. And, I always start with "I would like to know more because IF at some time I would be considered for these children my main priority is to see that they are a good fit not only in our home but in the community and any services they may need are readily available". While this is in fact how I am feeling and the truth, I think it makes a worker feel from the beginning that the children in question are in fact a priority.
Again, I think sometimes that the problem lies with the individual worker and their own "preferences". I was in contact with a worker who was looking at me for a larger sib group ( I didnt inquire but my home study was passed on to her) and I talked at length with the worker about what sounded like a wonderful group of kids. Towards the end of the conversation, and quite honestly, the question of their race was never a question I had considered asking from the beginning, I did learn that they were AA kids. I then told the caseworker that I didnt think it would work and she just automatically assumed that I was not open to children of all races and she didnt seem to care even when I explained my reasoning. We live in a very small community and it is not racially diverse. Our school district is only a total of 1250 for the entire district. LOL
Our Jr/High school has only two AA kids enrolled. Since this sib group included two high school children as well as one nearing that age, I didnt think it was fair to the children to put them in the position of not having peers of their own race and culture. On the other hand, our community is becoming more racially diverse and we have many younger children, elementary age, of various races and cultures and feel that younger children of race would in fact do fine in this area. My community and neighborhood is great and there is no one I know that would create problems for older children however, we all know that kids, especially teens, can be cruel and heartless. And since this sib group would have been coming from a large predominatly black city, I thought the change and the pressures would just not be fair to them. In all honesty, it broke my heart to say no to these kids as they sounded wonderful. No matter how much I explained that this decision was based on me knowing my community and wanting what was best for any children coming into my home, I was from that point on treated with disrespect and basically told since I wouldnt consider children of another race that my study would be discarded and not considered in the future. It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Anyway, the reason I brought up this particular experience is that regardless of what the caseworker may think, you need to be honest and think, even in the beginning stages, what is best for the children. If there is a major concern and you are in doubt, one shouldnt take the children simply because they are offered but because they are a good fit with the family and the community. While we all want to find our new children, we need to make sure that we can provide as much as humanly possible, everything they need and if one has doubts before they are even placed then those doubts should be addressed prior to placement. These kids have been in a system that in my opinion is abusive enough, we dont need to add disruption to that mix and make these kids feel any more rejected than they do already.
I am also like Char. I wouldnt give my kids up for the world but had I known before I met them and went thru this process what a chore it was going to be to add several children to my family, I would have strictly looked at larger sib groups rather than do it two at a time, one at a time, etc.
I think I may be done adopting at this point since the two I am currently having placed will bring me to 5 boys, but there is still a nagging in me for a daughter. I wonder if that will ever happen though. I have had caseworkers make comments to me like "oh you have all boys, mixing girls might not be such a good idea". Or, why would you want a girl with all those boys? Can you advice how to get around that? Again, I am not necessarily actively looking for another child right now but you know that sometimes some things just fall into place and children come to your attention out of the blue. I have the stamina to deal with more children, I have the desire to have a daughter, I am a good mom, and I have the room for another one or two children (although I am told if I get a girl I will definitey want to look into adding another bathroom at some point in time. LOL) and I fully intend on adding a small family room type addition in the near future. So, is there a best way to approach this if in the future I do begin actively looking?
Also, do you have any specific advice for those of us, like Gary and myself who are of "advanced" age. (Maybe Char even fits into that category when it comes to the adoption process. LOL Sorry Char!!) We are in fact older but have chosen to devote our golden years to children being in our lives. I would think that our maturity and wisdom would account for something? Unless we are terminally ill or know we are unhealthy, there are none of us out there, regardless of our ages, who know when we will be here and when we will leave.
Not only do I usually enclose a "plan" or cover letter with my studies, but I have a one page collage of pictures that I try to send along with the study. It includes pics of the kids, the pets, the house, myself, the neighborhood, etc. I personally dont think of it as being very creative, however, I think the way I have it laid out draws an interest. Maybe it is those big eyes of my Beagle/Basset hound mix that gets them, I dont know. LOL
It just doesnt seem fair to me that there are good people out there, like Gary and Char, who would make excellent parents but overlooked because they are single, or older, or for whatever discriminatory reasoning. Ideally it would be great for all kids to grow up in a two parent family but if you read statistics, that is not the case for most bio kids/families so why is there such a push for this type of family? I just feel like the love and support of one good parent outweighs living in a household with two indifferent parents. OR, how many bio parents out there live in a 4 or 6 bedroom home before they have the children to fill that size home? People in the real world have children and then add on or move to a larger house as their family expands to meet their needs and then, for the most part, when the kids are grown and gone the adults downsize. It just seems that sometimes the caseworkers expectations are beyond what happens in the "real" world and I think that sometimes it is the kids in the system that suffer for this.
If it isnt too much to ask, what state are you from? Can you give any advice as to which states are better to work with and which are not? While I am not actively searching is there a possiblity that Char and Gary could forward a study to you as you sound like someone with an open mind who is totally dedicated to placing children in their permanent homes. Maybe I am speaking out of turn for them, but I wouldnt be at all surprised considering all they have been thru if they wouldnt want to do this.
Sorry Char and Gary, I know I have a big mouth and sometimes speak out of turn but it is with respect and wanting so much to see you find your children you so much desire. It it also out of disgust with a system that is so "set" in their ways that they cant look past any thing that isnt "traditional" and "normal" in their eyes. Maybe in another life I was a rebel or something or maybe I will be in my next. LOL
I appreciate you blogging and hope to hear from all of you again soon.
Chmae
PS Gary, I am changing internet providers so my email will change, how do I change it on the blog site? I dont want to lose this place. LOL
Chmae,
Changing internet providers and email addresses won't affect logging on to this site. You still log on to www.adoptionproblems.blogspot.com. You'll just have to bookmark it again with your new server.
I don't think your blogging problems have anything to do with this site, other than possibly a problem with Google. One time on the old AUSK site my entry was published unexpectedly, even though I hadn't clicked on that. Otherwise, I've had no problems. Maesie told me privately that the problem she is having has to do with the use of her own computer, so maybe yours is a similar problem. Perhaps you both bought computers from the Quirky Computer Company.(LOL)
By the way, Maesie has my home study already. Thanks for the suggestion, though.
Hi Gary
Better than Quirky Computer maybe we can call the issues, at least with mine, Vista Venom or something to that nature. I really do hate Vista and have had nothing but problems since getting this new computer. LOL I know when I log in I have to put in a user name and password and I used my username as my email addy so I guess I just continue to use that?
Chmae
Thanks for allowing me to be presumptous. LOL I just brag up you and Char to anyone who will listen and might be of use. LOL
Chmae,
Everyone has to log in to their computer, but there is no log in for the blog.
I also have Vista on the new computer that I bought on Black Friday, but don't think I've had any trouble that I can blame it for. A friend with the same model of HP Pavilion switched to XP because he didn't like Vista.
Chame:
Although I'm 44, the child welfare system views anyone in his or her mid 40's or older as having one foot in the grave & one on a banana peel - LOL. I'll send a copy of my updated homestudy expressing my new interest in a large sib grp to Maesie. I need all the help I can get - LOL. Char
This is "maesie"
I forgot to include my email!
secord@strong-families.org
This is just a note to let you know that, while I check my email several times a day and see messages that tell me that you blogged, the school district that I work for blocks access to blogs from its computers. Therefore, I am unable to publish your blogs until I get home and boot up my own computer.
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